How I Got Over

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The Tipping Point. The Roots Come Alive Live. Trying to wrap my head around the genius and gift of God to create and execute such an impactful, complex, intriguing, entertaining, scholarly, insightful, exalting, profoundly artistic ministry production. Absolutely phenomenal". Very moving, spiritual, and artistically tight. VERY well done. Life Renewal Ministry team and friends enjoyed it and were blessed! Thank you". I hated going out and seeing people before, but now I knew that there were much more valid reasons to not like people than because they were scary to me.

How I Got Over

I felt guilt for using my laptop, which ran on electricity from a power plant burning fossil fuels. And on top of all of that, I was incredibly lucky. I lived in a house with a roof, two parents, a brother, went to school, ate every night.

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  • I felt tremendously guilty for being me. Even though nothing in the world would have made me happy, I was still upset that the things that were in the world seemed so shitty. I wanted everything to just stop. I hated myself for my appearance, my voice, how unfunny I was. I hated myself just for feeling sad. It took me a while to figure out how to deal with things.

    Eventually I decided that I wanted to be happy. I started going to the gym and got braces I was so excited to not have to stifle laughs to avoid showing my crooked teeth in public! I decided that there must be some things that I can appreciate in the world for their simplicity, free of influence from all the terrible, awful humans. So I started trying to find things to believe in for being good. Flowers seemed like pretty legit people. Systematically dissecting things in my mind allowed me to pass my own judgement on whether I liked them or not. My biggest epiphany was that since nothing matters, anything I want can matter as much as I want it to.

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    Of course, I care about life and being a good person and all that. I do what I can. But I find a deep sense of relaxing comfort in knowing that none of it matters. In an older post of mine, rationalizing the human condition , I compare my living to being a gamer in control of an avatar. Might as well do my best, right? I will allow myself to enjoy it. I do not see it as evil. Like I said, I still have chronic depression.

    And it does creep up on me sometimes. Wish I was more clever, more informed, had faster reactions, was more focused. But when I compare that to how lucky I am just to be alive and to be exposed to all of the things that I love in the world, who cares? The idea that not liking myself might be a reason to be depressed is ridiculous to me. To love myself despite what I think of myself would really just be to lower my standards.

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